Women, Sexuality and HIV/AIDS

By Cesnabmihilo Dorothy Aken'Ova

A Woman: Who Defines Me?

Over the years, our communities have put customs in place, which have been the source of the prescriptions handed down to us. These prescriptions determine how women and men interact with one another. In Africa, these prescriptions favour one group at the detriment of the other: Boys are socialised to be aggressive, macho, dominant and in control. They have been socialised to always be ready for sex, and given the impression that their sexual urge is uncontrollable. On the other hand, the girl has been socialised to be passive and submissive, to desire a man to always be in control of her life. She has been socialised to give in to a man's sexual power and desire and, yet, not to have sexual desires of her own.

How the System Works 
Culture plays an important role in the way we think and behave. We are made to believe the standards that have been set and we fashion our lives after them. We even begin to feel these prescriptions are natural and resist change when it comes. 

The Need to Conform
Persons are expected, generally, to conform to the same sex model. This is why women behave like women and are seen as feminine while on the other hand, men behave in a so-called 'man-like' manner and are said to be masculine by so doing.

Deviation(s) from the models set by our cultures always give(s) rise to social concern and disapproval. Women are, therefore, compelled to conform and cannot afford to be disapproved of because this will lead to alienation and withdrawal of benefits and support. They will attract stigma.

Sexuality: At What Price?
A Case Study: Mr. Ndagi was diagnosed HIV positive along with his ailing wife who died a few months after the diagnosis. Everyone knew that Ndagi was the source of the infection. Good looks, wealth and a good position in government, gave him the power to conquer women. He kept late nights. He often disappeared for days. But his good wife dared not report, and dared not suggest the use of condoms to him. The woman died. The community sang her praise - everyone referring to her as an ideal wife.

Since the man is brought up in our setting not to be without a woman, Ndagi married a 25-year-old girl. She dared not investigate the sickness that took the first wife's life. She did not use any condoms; in fact, she desired to have children with him. The regulation on ethics and a defective national policy on HIV did not let anyone breathe a word of it to her. The new wife got divorced after their second year of marriage. She would not tolerate the man's long absences from home. She did not receive sympathy from anyone, not even her family members. She was accused of trying to "spoil" her husband's name by reporting him around. She died of AIDS a little after two years. She lived to see her ex-husband marry one of the girls he had been spending time with while she was still married to him.

The third wife was also divorced Ndagi after two years. At this time, Ndagi's condition was deteriorating. His wife was accused of being a witch and scheming to do away with him to inherit his wealth. He offered her all she requested to get the divorce. She is in the final stage of the infection. Her pain is that they did not live together till death do them part!

Ndagi died two years after this divorce without admitting that he had AIDS; and so have numerous of his known girlfriends! In this case, manipulation of women's sexuality cost the women their lives.

Long Debates 
Our sexuality has often been used against us. Imagine the tension and sleepless nights that accompany the debates on women's sexual rights at the UN! Who is in a better position to tell us what is good for us, than ourselves? Who is in the best position to negotiate for the goodies for us but ourselves?

The Splint in Your Eye
A man once argued that women need to be mutilated because the sight of the vulva of an uncircumcised woman is ugly. Who is man to decide for a woman whether her vulva is ugly or not? Who is a man to decide what parts of the vulva are to be excised to make it good looking? Good looking for whom? How good looking is the man who is giving the prescription?

Conclusion - The Way Out
We have seen, read or heard about those cultures where the relationship between men and women is worked at openly and purposefully towards equity. The relationship between men and women is more egalitarian than what obtains in our setting. In those cultures, parents are happy to give birth to girls, they are given equal opportunity, protection and quality of life as their male counterparts. In those cultures, girls and women are recognised as human beings, they enjoy their human and women's rights by far more than us, and have control over their bodies, and what is done to their bodies. They feel just as important as their male counterparts.

In those societies, women negotiate relationships, limits and protection in a manner that their needs, interests and desires are recognised in reaching a consensus. In those settings, they have not witnessed the exponential rise in HIV/AIDS transmission like we are currently experiencing in Africa. Yet, women make immense contributions to their families and communities. Until we realize the power vested in our contributions, and use these as tools for a re-negotiation of our sex and gender roles, the staggering figures of people infected with HIV will continue to soar.

Acknowledgement 
Full article published in http://www.dawn.org.fj/publications/docs/wcardot.doc and presented at DAWN Panel at the World Conference on Racism NGO Forum - Unmarking Bodies in Durban, South Africa, 2001. Reprinted with the kind permission of the author.

Bibliography
IIlkkaracan, P. (2000) Women and Sexuality in Muslim Societies, WWHR,Istanbul.

Rothchild, C. (2000) Written Out - How Sexuality is Used to Attack Women's Organising, IGLHRC/CWGL, New York. 

Williams, J.E. and D. L. Best (1990a) Measuring Sex Stereotypes, Sage, London. 

Williams, J.E. and D. L. Best (1990b), Sex and Psyche, Sage,London.

* Cesnabmihilo Dorothy Aken'Ova is Executive Director International Centre for Reproductive Health and Sexual Rights (INCRESE), Niger State, Nigeria.

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