|
By Njiru Roseanne
'Come we stay' relationships, also called cohabitation, refer to unmarried heterosexual couples living together in an intimate relationship. They are arrangements not sanctioned by either civil, religious or traditional authority but where a man and woman decide to live together as husband and wife. In Kenya, there are no available statistics on 'come we stays' since they are not recognized by the state, but it is evident that they are on the rise especially among young people in urban areas. Anonymity in the urban areas offers a perfect setting for cohabitation since parents and relatives live in the rural areas and may not learn about it until much later, in most cases when a child is born. In fact, it is feared that 'come we stays' are quickly displacing legal marital unions.
Like sanctioned marriages, 'come we stay' relationships involve a shared household between intimate partners and have characteristics in common with marriage. Similarities include pooled economic resources, a gender division of labor in the household and sexual exclusivity. Oftentimes, a 'come we stay' is started by the girl letting the man have sexual relations with her on his mere promise to marry her. Thereafter, he takes up living with her and never takes any steps to legalize the marriage. Some of the 'come we stays' are later legalized but others, for reasons such as the inferior position of women to demand for legalization, remain that way for many years.
There are five separate legal systems of marriage in Kenya: Civil, Christian, Islamic, Hindu and Customary. All types of marriage other than customary must be registered. Although cohabitation is not recognized by the state in Kenya and partners in non-marital unions normally have no legal rights and obligations, courts have developed the common law principle of presumption of marriage, conferring some marital rights and duties on cohabiting couples meeting certain criteria. The exact criteria vary but judges generally weigh the length of cohabitation, whether there are children and whether the man and woman hold themselves as husband and wife. [1]
Reasons for 'Come we stay'
There are several reasons why people cohabit. The main reason is that cohabitation serves as a transition stage between single and married life. It is a trial marriage meant to assess viability and compatibility of the partnership before a lifelong commitment to marriage. Other reasons include:
- Observation that most marriages have serious marital problems and the rising cases of divorce and separation make young people question the importance of marriage.
- Less complicated dissolution than marriage.
- Increased intimacy - opportunity to share sexual and emotional intimacy without getting married and without being seen as promiscuous.
- It offers more freedom than marriage since the partners are not legally bound.
- High cost of marriage in the midst of rising economic difficulties and high unemployment rates and thus the feeling among men of 'why buy the cow when you can get free milk' - most girls and women have been through school today and their parents make very high bride wealth demands for their educated daughters.
- Economic advantages - cohabitation offers an opportunity to save money by sharing expenses especially if the two are in employment.
Implications of 'Come we Stay' Relationships on Sexual Health
According to the World Health Organization, sexual health is a state of physical, emotional, mental and social well being in relation to sexuality, and not merely the absence of disease, dysfunction or infirmity [2]. Sexual health requires positive and respectful approach to sexuality and sexual relationships as well as the possibility of having pleasurable and safe sexual experiences, free of coercion, discrimination and violence. It can only be attained and maintained in an environment where sexual rights of all persons are respected, protected and fulfilled [3]. Note that since health is a fundamental human right, so is the result of an environment which recognizes, promotes and defends sexual rights. Sexual health, therefore, is that enabling environment wherein the sexual rights of an individual are protected. They further note that, in the context of marriage, sexual health prevails where the following sexual rights are expressed: right to sexual freedom, sexual pleasure, sexual autonomy, privacy, sexual expression, right to make responsible reproductive choices, right to sexual education, and sexual health care. However, these rights and ultimate sexual health have been difficult to achieve in marriage due to underlying factors such as lack of empowerment, gender and sexual violence and sexual dysfunction. Within come-we stay relationships, sexual achievement and maintenance of sexual health also face certain challenges.
One of the reasons for 'come we stays' is the ability to enjoy sexual freedom and autonomy, which among other sexual rights creates an environment for the achievement of sexual health, without being considered promiscuous. Nonetheless, in these arrangements, there may be lack of commitment to one partner if the two are 'just trying out' especially where there are differences of opinion in the arrangement that may lead to dissatisfaction with the partner or even violence. This may create a fertile ground for multiple partnerships as each tests around for compatibility in order to eventually make a marriage commitment. This has implications for pleasurable sexual experiences, fundamental if sexual health is to be achieved, and risks of sexually transmitted infections including HIV and AIDS. Gender power imbalances also play a key role in sexual relations. Sometimes, to show commitment and trust to a partner, women do not negotiate condom use, which has serious implications for STDs, and/or unintended pregnancies that could lead to abortions if the two are not ready for child birth. Notable is the fact that abortions in Kenya are illegal and most African countries are done in the back streets by quacks and this has serious repercussions for sexual and reproductive health.
There are no local studies on 'come we stays,' but elsewhere studies on cohabitation in the US and other Western countries show that there are higher rates of violence among cohabiters, double that of married partners. Severe violence is five times more for cohabiters than for married persons. Also, in cohabitation, there is a higher risk of physical, emotional and mental abuse [4]. Violence and gender power imbalances hinder the right to pursue a satisfying, safe and pleasurable sexual life, a major sexual right and health concern. Moreover, the instability of 'come we stay' relationships limits and affects discussion on sexual matters among partners, including the making of reproductive choices, sexual expression, seeking sexuality information and sexual health care. On the other hand, legal marriage adds the essential ingredients of commitment and security to one's sex life, making it more satisfying. Research also suggests that cohabiters have poorer communication skills in discussing problems than couples who are not merely cohabiting [5]. Communication allows for sexual expression and discussion of sexual matters, and in the absence of this, partners are not able to adequately experience and achieve sexual health.
The Kenya Marriage Bill 2007 seeks among other things, to register as man and wife those who have stayed together for at least two years. It proposes that bride price should not affect the validity of marriage in any way, unlike now where the payment of bride price is seen as a strong binding factor in marriage. This Bill will weaken the place of bride wealth in the Kenyan society and increase incidences of cohabitation with the intention of legalizing the union after two years without paying any bride price. This glorifies 'come we stay' arrangements which go against the church doctrine in a conservatively religious country such as Kenya. This Bill has received a lot of criticism from Kenyans for legalizing polygamy, and unusual marriages and downplaying the role of bride wealth in marriage. By registering all forms of marriage, the Bill will definitely change the way Kenyans view marriage, divorce and come-we-stay relationships [6].
The adoption of the Bill will have consequences for sexual health as it will encourage many more young people to enter into the unstable 'come we stay' relationships because they do not have to worry about paying bride wealth. Sexual health cannot be achieved in relationships that are susceptible to multiple sexual relations, violence, disagreements, easy dissolution, and are unconducive for healthy sexual expression and discussion due to lack of commitment in the relationships.
In conclusion, therefore, whereas there is some degree of sexual liberty and independence in 'come we stays,' there are several factors that limit full attainment and maintenance of sexual health. These include, gender power imbalances, violence, feelings of insecurity, and lack of commitment especially where couples feel they are free to walk out at any point when the relationship fails, among others. These hinder the realization of sexual rights which is the environment in which sexual health can be wholly achieved.
References
[1]Kiernan, K. E., and Estaugh, V. (1993), Cohabitation: Extra-marital Childbearing and Social Policy. London: Family Policy Studies Centre.
[2]Jitendra Khanna (ed) (2004), Progress in Reproductive Health Research, Progess No. 67 , World Health Organization, Geneva.
[3]Olabisi .I. Aina, Aransiola .A. Joshua and Asezua Clementina (2006), Sexual Health and Rights within Marriage, in Understanding Human Sexuality Seminar Series, Africa Regional Sexuality Resource Centre, ARSRC.
[4]Jan E. Stets, (1993), "The Link Between Past and Present Intimate Relationships," Journal of Family Issues 14: 236-260.
[5]Catherine Cohan and Stacey Kleinbaum, (2002), "Toward a Greater Understanding of the Cohabitation Effect: Premarital Cohabitation and Marital Communication," Journal of Marriage and Family 64: 180-192.
[6]Otieno Samuel and Ruto Dorothy (2007), Kenya: Bill on Dowry, Polygamy and 'Come-We-Stay' in The East African Standard Newspaper, 14 th August 2007.
* Roseanne Njiru is a Lecturer at the Catholic University of Eastern Africa and Programme Manager, Kalamazoo College in Kenya. She holds a Bachelor of Arts and a Master of Arts degree in Sociology from the University of Nairobi. She has been working in the area of sexuality and reproductive health and has conducted several consultancy assignments for different agencies.
Back
to main page |
